When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.