coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
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And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Kentucky names the shit out of places
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!