KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’m having an out of money experience.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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