When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
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Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
im all 3
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.