@Cpin42: NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
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@iwearaonesie: wife: What's the best moment of your life? me: That time I won a stuffed dino- wife: That didn't involve a dinosaur me: Our wedding
@aidanjsears: [my funeral] PRIEST: dearly beloved... *respectful silence from guests* PRIEST: ...and steve ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
@maebemarbles: *Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note* "Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne." *Santa grows very pale*
@HiddenPinky: Hi, I'd like a salamus sandwich, please. "You mean salami?" No, just a single salamus. "People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani."