Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
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would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.