@decentbirthday: Not gonna lie, I'm pretty proud of this one.
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@QuietPsycho: HR: know why you're here? Me: I put my tongue in the candy cutter Union: well..unsafe..but fired? HR: the candy cutter's name is Trish
@justliamwilson: So in 2016 I've decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
@Ristolable: Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
@iwearaonesie: "Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes" - me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I'm locked out