Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
You Might Also Like
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday