Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
😜
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
You had me at “define legal”.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?