Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Natty or not?
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
For the baby who has everything
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now