Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
You Might Also Like
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”