Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
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I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.