I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
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My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”