[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!