@WhatevaConc: Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I'm a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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@LizHackett: ME: Why can’t I sleep? CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
@david8hughes: [identifying body] Cop: this him? Me: yea Cop: he's burnt pretty bad huh Me: yea Cop: ... Me: ... Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
@EdgarAllanLo: Me: You can't honestly expect me to believe this house isn't haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here. Realtor: Those are windows.
@StellaRtwot: Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you're doing it.