Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Me irl
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday