@WhatevaConc: Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I'm a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
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@AHundredElbows: [home late] Where were you? "Uh, with my.. gf?" Gf? Well, tell us about her! What's her name? [commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
@HousewifeOfHell: 10 Ways to Put Me in a Better Mood: 1. Get 2. Your 3. Slow-ass 4. Car 5. Out 6. Of 7. The 8. Fucking 9. Left 10. Lane
@WilliamRodgers: I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...
@Midgetspar: If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with "Buy a penguin". Imagine a scenario where that isn't awesome.