Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
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I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
💁🏻♂️