Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
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I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.