My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
me, after any kind of buffet.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.