Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
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I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
God has left this place
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.