Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit