Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
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God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
our love story in four pictures
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.