Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
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I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me