@Home_Halfway: {Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket} "Can I buy one even if I've done sex?" Um. Yes sir "Cause I have" Okay "I've done all of it" Please go

@sickipediabot: My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"

@fro_vo: Date: so what do you do Me: i build dog houses Date: oh you're an "arf"itect lol Me: haha good one Date: Me: (under breath) it's "bark"itect

@myonlymizztake: When a CW is coming out of the men's room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that's the polite thing to do.

@SuperJuanderer: Me: Weaknesses? Oh, I'd say not relating well to other sentient beings. -I meant about the janitor job. Me: Oh ya, I don't know how to sweep