Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.