Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
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According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!