How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
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I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.