Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
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Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune