Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.