Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
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Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Free him
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.