Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
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[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
How dramatic are you?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools