Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
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i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right