Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
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Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Yes, this is exactly right
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.