@DJRotaryRachel: Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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@ariscott: For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
@candace_9871: I hope I never have to produce an alibi...cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
@joejwest: MAN: What are you doing? ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing MAN: No way will- SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
@KKAlThani: Cop: you're under arrest Me: no you are *cop arrests me* Me: fine but next time it's my turn