Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
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I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.