Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
You Might Also Like
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*