I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
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God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.