Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.