Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?