@WoodyLuvsCoffee: Not saying you're shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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@internetluke: TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
@LurkAtHomeMom: [Bucket Lists] 2003: 1. Visit Rome 2. Go skydiving 3. Run marathon 2017: 1. Eat sitting down 2. Wake up naturally 3. Finish painting foyer
@slimmy_shady: Homeless man asked me if I could 'spare some change'. I told him 'change comes from within'. Long story short, I'm missing a kidney.
@Home_Halfway: "My wife and I decided we don't want to have kids." "But...don't you already have 2?" "Yeah."