Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
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Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.