Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
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Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.