Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
They must have gotten it to go.
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.