Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”