Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
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Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.