@HallpassCanada: Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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@ShortSleeveSuit: Interviewer: Strengths? Me: Punctuality Interviewer: Weaknesses? Me [alarm clock sounds & I snort cocaine off of a knife blade]: NONE
@isabelzawtun: Me accepting an Oscar: and I'd like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats - STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I'M NOT FINISHED
@Tommytoughstuff: Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
@VestaTot: My coworker just took a broom and pole vaulted over the cubicle partition to confront the woman who accused her of being on speed.