Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
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I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.