Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”