@behindyourback: "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online"

@WheelTod: I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I'm terrible with dates.

@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

@yaboybillnye: SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

@thenatewolf: Detective: someone's been stealing boats, can we look in your basement? Me: I don't have a basement *sound of foghorn from basement*