Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ