Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Don’t touch that.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark