Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
You Might Also Like
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?