Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
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I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I think this cat is broken
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
WHY?!
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses: