Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
I support this random dude and all his protests
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.