Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Me trying to look natural in photos
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.